Aidonian's blog

Recently I got the diagnosis of being on the autism spectrum. Its moderately present. A psychologist already suspected it back in 2017 because I had a hard time reading emotions and expressing them. Its not just that. It overlaps for me with social anxiety disorder and HSP (High Sensitive Person)

For me, its easier when there is a structure. If I know what to do, what to say, it makes it more easier. Sometimes t learn from others, sometimes I learn by learning it the hard way. 

When I moved to my new apartment that I bought in 2018, at first I wanted to organise a home party, but than I realised I had to organise it myself and that idea freaked me out. Having lots of people over at once makes me nervous. I don’t like it. I like smaller venues than big party. When several people talk at once, either to each other or to me, I lose control and don’t know who to listen first to. 

One of the reasons why I don’t like clubs is the music is to loud for me. I don’t like to come close to people to talk because its to loud to understand each other. That closeness makes me uncomfortable. Which is also why I’m not a fan of a French way of greeting each other. Especially now with covid, I’m glad that its gone. With certain people I can still do it, but largely I will not do it. I have had the tendency to adjust myself to accommodate to others. For some people I don’t mind doing that if the nature of our bond allows it and when I can be myself freely. Than I don’t have much problem with doing that. 

Intimacy and sexuality is something that I struggle with. I find it hard to go up to a woman and talk with her, and than sexually escalate to the point where a sexual relationship is formed. I miss the nuances of that “game” sorth of speak. I don’t see the cues, the subtle signal a woman might give to me indicating she wants more than just be friends. I really don’t see it. Since society has “conditioned” women to be more “passive” when it comes to dating, because the man still has to do the “hunting” north of speak, its extremely difficult for me. And that’s problematic because I want to experience love. I want a family and all, but I have no idea how to get there. Which is extremely frustrating and depressing. I’m faced with the dilemma that I must give up my dream and settle for a single life- which I kind of knew what was in store for me. I’m single not by own choice, but more “forced” to it because I don’t have the social tools needed to date, have relationships. I had to do it to save my own mind, otherwise I would be depressed all the time. Some of my friends and co workers had said in the past I go after women out of my league, which could be made a case for it. They said to me that I need to go after a normal woman. 

So now, that’s also stuck in my head now that I can’t be with any woman I find attractive, because they are out of my league. So any woman I find attractive is now automatically out of my league? I think most of them would say yes. I have dated with women over the last 10 years or so. I’m not talking about speed dating here. usually for me it ends after 1 or 2 dates. Most of them tend to see me as a friend. Sometimes I don’t have a problem with that. But when you are into the other person, but don’t know how to express it and you struck out, it hurts. I don’t blame women at all. They have the right to choice their partner. If they don’t feel it, they have the right to sever  connection. I get its part of the process that everyone must go through. I get it. Its not easy when you have no luck when it comes to dating and have no idea what you are doing here. What goes on in my mind when talking to a beautiful woman is like: is she just being friendly or is it more? Because I don’t see the subtle cues and 9 out of 10 times women don’t say it upfront if they like you or not, it makes it more difficult. Its confusing, difficult to read the situation. The thing is for me: its black or white. Either I’m attracted to the woman or I’m not. 

Even if the first date goes well, I don’t know how to maintain the connection, how to keep it going or what to do next. I hold myself back. I hold back talking about my interests because I think that they aren’t interested to hear about it. Its not just when it comes to dating. In friendships I also have that problem. I always had the problem making new friends and maintaining it. I have couple of people tell me that I seem sociable but they don’t know what goes on in my mind. I’m always looking for a way to find a new topic to talk about. Small talk is for me. Like I said, I tend to hold back to talk about myself and my interests. Maybe now I got the diagnosis it might be easier to just talk about it and express myself freely. I’m not saying this to want you to feel sorry for me. I want you to understand where I’m coming from. Its rare where I can be openly and be freely myself around someone. I find it difficult to open myself up to others out of fear of being rejected for it. Especially if you feel it more intense. 

Honestly I don’t like being in love with someone. My experiences have always been terrible. My feelings are always unreciprocated. It has always been one way street for me. I don’t know how to express myself, what to do, that in turn leads to stress which creates a loop where I get even more nervous and leads to more stress. I feel like a fish out of water. There is no guide, no handbook on how to do it, what to say. I dangled in PUA, but it wasn’t my thing. It relies to much on psychological mind tricks. 

I hope that this helps you understand how my mind works. It’s not always easy, trust me. I find this easier than talking about it.