Aidonian's blog

I want to delve deeper into the story I told in my earlier post about how I got my diagnosis of autism. 

Its not something I just got like with a flu or covid. No, its something you were born with. 

Because my parents were old fashioned and didn’t believe in psychotherapy they saw it as failing as parents that I would need therapy. Truth be told, I always felt the outside. I can mask it, like most do, but to a point until my batteries are drained and I need to recharge. 

I’m no fan of small talk. I like to talk about serious stuff: politics, religion, history, space.making friends, maintaining friendships is hard. Sometimes I find people out of the blue it seems, connected by interests or through school or work. I hear from couple of people that they are amazed by it. It goes to show how well masking works. We can mimic, mask like we are just like ordinary people. The thing is, to unmask ourselves is not easy. when we are talking and the subject has run its course, I’m looking for different topic to broach and at the same time im wondering if I talk about the things that interests me might drive people away. when a person with autism, who can function in society, is diagnosed early, the better changes that person has to be thought the necessary social tools they will need. That will help them, but it does not make it easier because our society is made for neutotypicals and not so much for people with autism or disabilities. 

Don’t get me wrong, if I made mistakes in the past and I have made many, believe me. I’m not hiding behind this diagnosis. I’m not. I will own it up, no matter how hard it is. This is just why and how. It’s not a way to excuse it. 

occult, paranormal, history, polytheistic religions, history of Christianity, islam, Judaism, politics, marxism, astronomy, sports, jogging, Krav Maga. When i discover something new, i tend to go all in. Not to the point where i forgot other stuff to do like work, sleep or eat/drink. But i’m more focused. It doesn’t really help if you have several things that interests you that you want to pursue along with doing stuff that is expected of you. Sometimes I feel like i’m lost, that i don’t know what to do next.  Fear of being judged has caused me to withdraw and not open up to people. Instead of focusing on what others need, I should also start focusing on my needs. my interests and activities are all over the place. I feel pulled towards various stuff and I don’t see the trees through the forest as the saying goes. If I wrote it correctly, that is. 

That’s all for now. if I think of anything else, I will add it here below.