Aidonian's blog

TO DEATH [THANATOS]
Fumigation from Manna

Hear me, O Death [Thanatos], whose empire unconfin’d, extends to mortal tribes of ev’ry kind.
On thee, the portion of our time depends, whose absence lengthens life, whose presence ends.
Thy sleep perpetual bursts the vivid folds, by which the soul, attracting body holds:
Common to all of ev’ry sex and age, for nought escapes thy all-destructive rage;
Not youth itself thy clemency can gain, vig’rous and strong, by thee untimely slain.
In thee, the end of nature’s works is known, in thee, all judgment is absolv’d alone:
No suppliant arts thy dreadful rage controul, no vows revoke the purpose of thy soul;
O blessed pow’r regard my ardent pray’r, and human life to age abundant spare.

Orphic Hymn 89 to Death, translation by Thomas Taylor

As my family is confronted by tragedy where my mother is seriously ill due cancer and she is at a stage where she doesn’t want treatment because she feels it wouldn’t make any difference and she would suffer more. Then you are confronted with your own mortality. Death is part of life. While the prospect of imminent death is terrifying for most, some welcome it. Especially if they are suffering. Of course the definition of suffering is different for everyone. You have physical and mental suffering.

Losing your parents is hard no matter what. It’s part of life cycle that children outlive with heir parents. It’s a tragedy none the less, even more so when it’s reverse. Still I have thought about death and Thanatos the last week since I got the news of my mother’s condition. It’s worse because she doesn’t want treatment and that the papers for euthanasia are already signed. My parents made that decision years ago so my brother and I don’t have to make that decision when they aren’t able to anymore.

Honestly I’m conflicted about the whole thing. I don’t want my mother to die. I want her do the treatment but on the other hand, I want to respect her wishes as well. I can’t force her to do something, she doesn’t t want to do. I know Thanatos will guide her when the time comes so she will find peace and free of pain. At the moment it’s all I can do for her. My mother is a stubborn woman. If she has made up her mind, you can’t change her mind. I wish it was possible but even then, the prospects for her winning this thing are slim.

I understand why she does it. I understand the logic of her reasoning even though medical science has evolved in the last 30 years. Still it is her choice and the hard part will be to let her go. I never really had a good relationship with my parents. Mostly because I felt an outsider in my family. Still that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt as hell. I went with her and my brother to visit the oncologist this Tuesday and she thanked me for it for being there. I will do what I can do support my parents but there is only so much as I can do since I also work full time. Still I will do what I can what she will allow me to do.

Dear Gods, this is hard. I know that I have accepted that one day I will day. I will welcome the embrace of Thanatos. I will be afraid of course. But when the time comes, I will welcome Him as a friend. Years ago I pledged myself to Lord Aidoneos. I’m in his service until I die. like my colleague said. And he is right. It’s better to not know when you are going to do than when you do. Right now. The clock keeps counting but when you know when and where and how you will die. The clock doesn’t count any further but backwards