Aidonian's blog

the last couple of weeks i delved into the topic of fasting and discovered various types of fasting and after talking with two polytheists, i decided to hold a fast on may the 3rd where i wouldn’t eat at all the entire day but would drink water. Friday evening around midnight, I decided to do it yesterday the 27th of April. Why? because my mother died the Friday evening on the 26th of April.

My mother’s last year

I never really felt close to my mother, nor did i had a good relationship with her. But she is my mother, the woman who raised me. She died of colon cancer, the same type her own mother had died from 30 years ago. When last year she got the diagnosis in February, she decided to do nothing, only something for the pain. Up and till august, she could do pretty much go to groceries and stuff, but in the afternoon, she couldn’t leave the house, because than it seemed the cancer would act up and she had to go to the bathroom a lot. At the end of august, she could lift any heavy objects so she asked for help and she got it. No questions asked. In November i took every Wednesday off from work, as i had enough overtime, to help her with groceries and with laundry. December also, but i started later instead of the regular hour. My boss was informed on the matter and allowed me to let me come in later. In January, things started to get worse for her, where she couldn’t stand to long on her feet without being tired. The last time i went with her for groceries in mid January was the last time she did it because she couldn’t do it no more. She had problems accepting this fact. Which is normal, considering you were used to do everything yourself, you had to give it up, to be dependant on others. Its hard pill to swallow. I remember walking with her into the store and hearing her say that she was already exhausted. By the time we got home, she had to vomit. Which she did frequently that week. The doctor didn’t like hearing that, because it meant that it couldn’t find its way out the normal way and it was going up. Throughout, my mother was adamant about one thing: when the pain is no longer to bare. she would request euthanasia. Papers were filled, she just had to give the word. Last week, she was asked if it was time. She said no. Even though by then, she couldn’t eat anymore or barely. This last week, she barely drank any fluid. This past few months, after January, it went fast. Especially the last month, where she even fell on the ground couple of times because she didn’t had the strength anymore to stand on her own feet. Monday the 22nd she had a good day. She had a good friend of hers to visit and while that friend and her husband were glad that they were there, they didn’t recognize the woman physically anymore. It wasn”t the same woman that they knew. Cancer had free reign and took over. She was extremely skinny. She barely ate. For my father, the last month was hard on him, because he had to look after her. I did the laundry mostly along with my father. I don’t live at home, my brother does and my brother and I work full time and did what i could to help out. Seeing her like that, it was hard. Knowing that the morphine she got, eased the pain and numbed the senses to the point where she could barely talk anymore. Friday the 26th of April, in the afternoon, the doctor visited her and saw how bad it was, that she stated it was only a matter of days now. I went to the pharmacy to get the extra morphine she needed for the morphine pump and had to call. That wasn’t easy news to receive. When i got home, i broke down and cried. I had already informed my work that i wasn’t going to come in on Sunday because of it. They understood it. Around 18u45 the morphine pump was placed and couple of hours later, my mother passed away. My father thinks it was around 21u30 but wasn’t sure. He thought she acted funny because of the pain and the morphine pump was kicking in. When he went to bed, he realized she had passed away. Around midnight the funeral home, came to pick her up. While she wanted to do euthanasia, she wasn’t able to do it or was afraid to take that step when the time came. She will be cremated on Monday the 6th of may. She held on longer than most people could and didn’t give up. My mother was a strong woman. This last year proved that. Even with her illness, she cleaned the house, even up to a few months ago. Not many people would do that, i think. The 6th of may will be harder when the cremation will take place. Yesterday at the funeral home, I had a hard time talking. My brother and father had a better grip on their emotions than I did. While I did not had the best relationship with her, it still affects me what happened to her. I knew this day would come and didn’t knew how I would react to it. Now it it’s here and the shock will come after it’s over.

The day of fast

throughout the ordeal I asked the God Apollon to watch over my mother and help her in any way He could. Seeing how strong she was throughout, I would like to believe that He did help her out. I also asked the Gods to help her ease her pain as much as possible and that she didn’t suffer – while she did suffer- at the moment she came to pass. My mother wasn’t religious at all. In fact, i think im the only religious person in my family. Which is ok. It was their choice and I respect it. So yesterday i held a fast from morning to evening where i didn’t eat anything, except to drink water. Which is the first time i had done it. I did it to honour the Gods Plouton Polydegmon and Hekate Aidonia as well as my mother. I started with calling these Gods while reading the Orphic hymns and brought libations of water and storax incense to offer them as well as my fast. I prayed to Them to guide my mother to the afterlife, that she may finally at peace from the pain she had endured this last year. Yesterday evening did the ritual again for Plouton Polydegmon and Hekate Aidonia as my fast was coming to an end. To be honest, it went ok. It was in the evening when the real sense of hunger started to kick in but all in all, i got through it. I did experience physical discomfort from not eating like headaches. When i broke my fast at the end of the day, i did so with small bites. At something small. Eating to big is not good when you haven’t eaten all day long. I’m glad that i got to do this. It was my way to honour the Gods and my mother when she died of cancer. Mom, thank you for everything. We weren’t close, but when i needed help , you tried to help me when you could. Thank you. At times, it was annoying. You weren’t perfect, but you did your best. I hope you are at peace now. You have earned it. RIP.